Distribution

A Word About Blended Families

| Julie Hall

Today, I’m answering a question from a reader.

Q: We have a blended family with grown children that are my husband’s, mine, and ours together.  We are long retired, the children are grown, and we know it is time to make some serious decisions about our estate and division of heirlooms.  For years, two of our children have been bickering over one piece in particular.  Naturally we want to be fair, but I think our biggest concern is if one of the children gets an heirloom that doesn’t really belong to them because they are not from that side of the family.  How can we handle this delicately?

A: About 40% of my clients have challenges with their blended family and personal property distribution.  Here are a few basic guidelines; stick with these.

Though children grow into adults, they still need our guidance.  At this stage, it is vital that you provide your children with precise directions for the time of your death.  Offer your children your last wishes, documents regarding heirlooms, Last Will and Testament, Living Will, Health Care Power of Attorney, etc.  An attorney can help you prepare these documents, which are absolutely necessary.

As for heirlooms, engage in a frank discussion with your husband first.  Pull out a notepad and write down all of your decisions regarding all of your children and what you think each one should have.  Remember, if you do this for one child, you must do it for all of them.  It might be wise to enlist the help of an appraiser/personal property expert to help you ascertain the values of these possessions to keep the distribution financially equivalent for each child.

Keep a spreadsheet naming each child, then list the heirlooms that belong to each “bloodline”.  Next, call a family meeting with you, your husband, and your children only — No spouses of the children should be present.  It is best to do this in person, otherwise, make individual phone calls.  Share with your children your wishes and that you have documented who gets what and their current monetary values.

Make sure each child gets a copy of this document and make it very clear that there will be no feuding because these are your wishes and decisions.

Many clients leave it at that, which I do not recommend.  My suggestion is to arrange the transfer of that heirloom to the children while you are alive.  This way, fewer “mistakes” can happen after your death, and you will know everyone got everything you wanted them to have.  Peace of mind is a beautiful thing!

© 2010 Julie Hall

The Art of Procrastination

| Julie Hall

Why do some procrastinate when dealing with death, caregiving, and other challenging issues?  That is the million-dollar question!

Some of us are exceptionally good at doing things and tending to every imaginable task, like it or not.  Some of us are followers that are very good at taking direction from the doers.  Still, others are extremely skilled at procrastination and avoiding the elephant in the room, even if it must be dealt with.

In my 20 year professional quest for the answer to procrastination, I am reminded of an image we have all seen in old “spaghetti westerns”, the old cowboy pushing and cursing at his stubborn donkey to get up and go!  The same is true for our clients, relatives, and friends.  Never is it more unnerving than when you are trying to settle an estate, handle issues related to an illness or the death of a loved one, and the decision maker is — dare I say it — a procrastinator.

Why do some procrastinate? 

First, they don’t have the ability to, or simply can’t, deal with the issue at hand.  Perhaps it is too emotional, or they are just indecisive people to begin with and tackle all life’s issues in this manner.

Second, they simply don’t want to handle this issue.  Often, but not always, these personality types ill allow people who are doers to come in and take over the reins (literally).  With people like this, I always map out a plan — here’s what happens first, second, etc.  They like to know what is going on, but don’t necessarily desire to be a part of the process.

Third, why deal with it today when I don’t have to?  There’s not much I can say about this type.  I have seen many unexpected deaths in my line of work, and to me, there’s no time like the present.  Why put it off when it has to be done anyway?  Just do it!

There is no known cure for procrastination.  One would think that time and experience would teach people not to put things off.  Since the beginning of time, people have put things off because they didn’t want to think or act.  That’s why so many people perish without having even a basic will, let alone having many other vital issues discussed and planned out. 

Procrastination is a bad word.  Planning, while you are in control and have your say, is a beautiful gift to everyone around you!

“Procrastination is the bad habit of putting off until the day after tomorrow what should have been done the day before yesterday.”  ~~Napoleon Hill

© 2010 Julie Hall

How Not to Become One of the Estate Lady’s Sad Stories

| Julie Hall

In my book and in many of my articles, I tell stories of estates I have handled with sad outcomes; either the parents were unprepared when death came, or there are serious and tragic family rivalries over possessions.  These stories are avoidable with preparation.  Real stories, every bit the truth, seem to stick with people better than a list of reasons.

The best protection against family rivalries is an updated will from your parents, along with preparation and preplanning with mom and dad.  So, here’s how NOT to become one of my sad stories in a future book or article.

  • Encourage your parents to create a wish list of what they want to give and to whom, and distribute copies to every child or heir.  This way, everyone has a copy, and if they are unhappy, they have to take it up with the parents while they are still alive.
  • Understand that you are not entitled to anything unless someone gives you an inheritance or a gift.  Your parents can do whatever they want with their estate.  Just being their child does not guarantee you an inheritance.  If you receive an inheritance, be exceptionally thankful.
  • Understand that settling an estate is one of the most difficult things you and your siblings will go through, especially during the division of personal property.   Chances are pretty good you won’t be pleased with the outcome of what you walk away with, but be thankful anyway.
  • Remember that this is not about you; it’s about what your parents want.  This is why it is imperative that a last will and testament and other legal documents be drawn up by an attorney.  You should encourage your parents to make decisions prior to infirmity or death.

© 2010 Julie Hall

Letting go of your possessions is harder than you think

| Julie Hall

In the last post, I included a list of some reasons why people have a hard time letting go of their stuff.  I want to continue the conversation with a couple of important suggestions from my experience as an appraiser of residential contents and estate liquidator.

First, if you are clearing out many possessions, enlist the assistance of a personal property appraiser.  When in doubt, always have the contents of an estate/home appraised prior to distributing or selling contents.  Most times, the heirs are not surprised to learn that much of what mom and dad amassed doesn’t have much value.  There are some children who feel that “everything is junk” and then discover through an appraisal that some pieces have significant value.  Family stories through the years can also add to the anticipation of great-grandfather’s chair being more valuable because it is so old.  Remember, age is not the only determining factor of true value.

Another important issue that the older generation should realize is that many of the heirs generally won’t take much.  Their children allready have houses that are full from being married 20 years or so, and adding more will only fuel marital strife.  The younger generations appear to want nothing but cash assets.  Even if your children do take items, their children definitely don’t want them now and most likely will feel the same  in the future.  They are not interested in antiques or traditional possessions, when they could take the cash they receive and go to IKEA or Pottery Barn.

Holding onto possessions for the sake of not wanting to let them go will leave a massive burden for the children/heirs.  Gifting now and making plans for the distribution of your possessions while you are still here (and in control of those decisions) is the best plan of action!

© 2010 Julie Hall

The Death Bed Thief

| Julie Hall

Exploitation can raise its ugly head in the midst of unsuspecting situations.  Such was the case with the Garvey family (not real name).  Mom and Dad Garvey were about the nicest people you’d ever wish to meet.  Their three adult children lived nearby; they loved to have all the grandchildren over for Sunday dinners.  All of the children were successful, and the family often took vacations together.  As Mom Garvey shared with me, she could not recall one moment of discord between her kids. 

Dad Garvey was diagnosed with cancer at age 73, and the disease progressed rapidly.  He had lived a good life, and faced his illness with grace and courage.  Even as his strength waned, he loved having his family visit.  But soon death was imminent and hospice was called in to assist him and his family.  That’s when strange things began to happen.

One of his daughters became uncharacteristically possessive.  She wanted to be at Dad’s bedside around the clock.  Normally a sweet and accomodating person, she would snap at her mother over the smallest thing.  She accused her siblings of not caring enough for their dad, even as she tried to prevent them from being with him during his final days.

Eventually Dad Garvey passed away, with his wife and children at his bedside.  But as the funeral director’s hearse pulled up to take the body to the funeral home, the same daughter disappeared into the basement, while the others comforted one another in their grief. 

It was a few days later that they discovered what the daughter had been doing.  Apparently, while she was keeping vigil by her father’s bedside, she was also surveying his belongings.  When he died, she quickly grabbed the things she had stashed in the final couple weeks of his life.  Mysteriously, even though Dad Garvey had prepared a will, it was never found.

This is a scary story, no doubt.  But imagine, for just a moment, how different this story would have gone if the parents had given serious consideration to dividing their estate prior to infirmity or death.  At the very least, they should have distributed a master list of what they wanted each child or heir to have, making sure that each child received a copy.  The will should have been given to the executor or another trusted professional, so it would have been available upon death. 

If every child knows the plan in advance, it will be much harder for one child to take the lion’s share.  Unfortunately, this scenario occurs every single day, because no one planned ahead!

© 2010 Julie Hall

King Solomon’s Approach: Will It Work for Dividing Estate Contents?

| Julie Hall

King Solomon was known for his wisdom and ability to make sound decisions.  The most famous incident happened when two women came to him with a baby each woman claimed as her own.  Solomon’s response was literally to divide the baby so that each woman could have half.  This decision did not seem to bother the first woman, but the second woman begged the King to give the baby to the first woman, so the baby could live.  Solomon then knew the second woman was the real mother and granted her the child.  Will this approach work for families when they are in the midst of grief and making difficult decisions regarding their parents’ possessions?

The “divide and conquer” method is used most often, without knowing the values of estate items.  Resentments and rivalries can and will stem from this method.  One heir will feel that he or she got gypped.  Heirs often begin the process of breaking down the estate and dividing the contents prematurely.  First, know what you have and understand its current market value by hiring a personal property appraiser.  Second, not all possessions can be divided, so Plan B must be ready to go.

Try to divide possessions equitably.  But what if there is one item, say a $7,000 grandfather clock, that 5 children each want to have?  As a personal property expert, I have seen two viable options work best.

First, when parents are still living, they should make the decision of who gets the clock.  Let all heirs know what is your decision.  To minimize some of the upset, if financially feasible, offer cash assets or other physical assets  in the appraised amount of the clock to the other heirs.  This decision may ruffle feathers, but you may have just prevented a lifelong rift between your children.

If you can’t bear the thought of choosing one heir for the clock, my suggestion might surprise you.  Sell the clock and split the proceeds among your heirs.  It is equitable, and no one has “the prize”, but all have equal cash assets.

We spend a lifetime collecting and caring for our favorite possessions.  Shouldn’t we take the time to make a sound plan for passing them on to heirs?  No material possession is worth ripping the family apart!

© 2010 Julie Hall

The Irony of Heirlooms

| Julie Hall

You can count on Murphy’s Law when dealing with heirlooms and dividing estate contents — something almost always goes wrong!  I’ve had a front seat for nearly 20 years, and seen more than my share of serious feuds, estrangements, the “entitlement mentality”, and the rapid gathering of vultures and other green-eyed creatures.  Sibling rivalry, as well as tensions and emotions, are at an all-time high; the executor is generally stuck in the middle, not wanting to ruffle any feathers.

Often, certain family members will take it upon themselves to enter the estate, take what they desire, and leave everyone else in the dark and empty-handed.  We’ve all heard the scary stories.  One brother locks the other brother out of the house and takes everything in the middle of the night.  A sister helps herself to valuable jewelry without asking, or the long lost sibling who returns after 30 years to claim a chunk of the inheritance.  All of these scenarios, plus so many more, add fuel to the fire and cause decades of resentment and bitterness.

We all have a connection to this particular issue because we have either been through it, are getting ready to go through it, or are dreading the very thought of it.  Unfortunately, when a family member dies, or is approaching death, those who feel entitled come calling.  Suddenly, heirs and distant relatives surface that you didn’t know existed, and true colors shine through in various shades of green.

For what reason does this occur over and over again?  Is it because of perceived value from generations of family stories that one particular piece has tremendous monetary value?  Is it over a sentimental item, like mom’s reading glasses, a family Bible, or a wedding band?  Do people want these items because they feel the loved one who died is still close by?  Or is it plain old greed?

Here’s the irony: People are fighting over things they can’t take with them either.  We exit this world the way we came into it, with no material possessions.

Read my solution in the next blog entry below!

© 2010 Julie Hall

The Solution to the Irony of Heirlooms

| Julie Hall

We spend a lifetime collecting and caring for heirlooms, yet we rarely take the time to make a plan for them once we pass away.  We allow our children to fight over them, instead of making wish lists and talking with them about their wishes. 

Some will argue that their 3-year old grandchild will want these heirlooms thirty years from now.  If I were a betting lady, I would disagree!  The younger generations have no desire for china, silver, crystal, etc.  They prefer IKEA, Pottery Barn, and Crate and Barrel to grandmother’s “old stuff.”  Though we have fond memories of heirlooms, our homes are already too full, and 70% of our stuff we will never use.  So, let us ponder for a minute: How will our children handle our estate when our time comes? 

Planning is the key to a smoother division of property and estate settlement.

  • Enlist the assistance of an estate planning attorney.  This is no time to be frugal.
  • Choose an appropriate executor who will get it done, remain firm, and honor the decedent’s wishes.
  • Hire a personal property appraiser to ascertain what has value vs. what doesn’t.
  • Base the division of personal property on equitable distribution to keep it as fair as possible.
  • Read The Boomer Burden – Dealing with Your Parents’ Lifetime Accumulation of Stuff, perfect for clients, attorneys, heirs, and parents.

© 2010 Julie Hall

The Risk of Procrastination

| Julie Hall

“When the boat reaches midstream, it is too late to mend the leaks.”  — A Chinese proverb

Mary was 96 years old and had a lovely 3 bedroom home filled with antiques passed down from previous generations.  With great pride, Mary had done everything right with these heirlooms.  She left all items in their original good condition (never refinished or restored them), knew all the history of each piece, kept them out of direct sunlight and away from heat vents, never placed them in the attic. 

But Mary made a huge error along the way: she procrastinated making an estate plan for her assets and preparing for her own death.  In fact, Mary didn’t even have a legal will.

I remember meeting Mary about 6 months prior to her passing.  Her two children were present, and everyone wanted to know the values of Mary’s lovely possessions.  The children hoped that my visit would convince Mary of her urgent need to prepare a will, so her wishes would be known and fulfilled after her death.  At length, I spoke with Mary about the importance of preparing all her wishes for her children.  I even offered the name and number of an estate attorney who would be willing to come to her home.

I made the assumption that at 96, Mary had accepted her advanced age and her close proximity to death.  However, Mary had a great deal of difficulty accepting her mortality.  “I do not need a will.  I have written my wishes for my children on a piece of notebook paper, and that is good enough.  If it isn’t good enough, then my kids will just have to fight over it.”

The children looked at me and grimaced.  They knew the complications that awaited them if mom did not get legal assistance to prepare her last wishes and plans.  These complications can be years of red tape, tremendous financial pressures to settle the estate, etc.  This is simply not fair to do to children!

What happened with Mary’s estate?  No one ever found her handwritten will, and it became a nightmare for the family.  It became a litany of “Mom said I could have this” or “No, she promised that to me.” 

Mary’s reasons for procrastination will never be known by any of us.  Some are afraid of even talking about death.  We shouldn’t be; it is a certainty.  The older generation seems to be parted into three groups: Those that are completely prepared, those who won’t even discuss it, and leave it all on their children’s shoulders, and those that simply sit on it for years and procrastinate on the inevitable.  For those in the last two groups, life will be most difficult for your children or heirs, upon your demise.

For trustworthy advice on these issues and much more, please click on the right side of my blog at “The Boomer Burden” and order my book.

© 2009 Julie Hall

Leaving a Legacy of Love

| Julie Hall

Anne and Bill are a wonderful example of parents being prepared.  Both are in their mid-seventies, in relatively good health, have two children, several grandchildren, and are geographically remote from their family.  They knew that if, or when, something happens to them, their children would have to journey to get there and assist.  Wanting to make life easier for their kids, they decided to make sure their children understood their wishes.

This couple has been married 52 years, very hard working middle class, who saved a great deal of their money, invested it, and wanted their assets protected.  When it came time to downsize their home to move into a smaller one, they de-cluttered their home, sold most of their belongings, and lived comfortably on what they needed.  Anne no longer has a need for all the silver plate, china, etc. and preferred the space to the clutter.

They hired a financial advisor to assist them with decisions, an estate planning attorney to create a revocable trust, and told their children that everything is in writing and gave them each a copy.  The trust clearly states who is the executor, and who is the health care power of attorney.  Both children were clear on their part of the responsibility.  It was very difficult for their children to listen to what their parents’ last wishes were.  Yet, they knew they owed that to their parents.

Each child has a file containing all the vital information of their parents’ estate and guidelines within, even down to funeral arrangements, music to be played, and how many death certificates to order.  This file remains in their file cabinets, hopefully for many years to come, but is easily accessible if (and when) the fateful phone call comes.

Do you see the ease with which the children have already been prepared, thanks to this wonderful set of parents?  For parents to give this much thought into their own mortality cannot be easy from anyone’s perspective.  Their actions toward their children were kind, generous, accepting, and loving.  Their only wish was to ease their children’s burdens, when they were in the midst of grief, estate dissolution, selling the home, travel, etc.

These are two very fortunate children to have everything spelled out for them when a time of crisis occurs.  I should know, as Anne and Bill are my parents!  Thanks, Mom and Dad, for loving us that much!

© 2009 Julie Hall