Skeletons in the Closet

July 30, 2012 | Julie Hall

We all have them. Some of them are small and insignificant, and others are whoppers. But whatever one is in your closet, remember one very important thing: One day, we too will perish, and we don’t want our loved ones pained further by any skeletons they may find in our closets. What’s the solution? Deal with them, get rid of them if they are physical items, talk openly about them so no one is shocked or hurt. Just get that monkey off your back and let it go.

It’s always amazing what we find in estates. Some families try to clean them out, but soon lose steam and call us in to handle it. Some families don’t even want to tackle the job to begin with and hire us from the start. We find evidence of alternate lifestyles, illegitimate children from decades ago, infidelity, disorders, reasons for a suicide, pornography addiction, etc.

These are incredibly personal issues that belong to the individuals. They have to be handled with grace and compassion, but often the shock they bring leaves families in a downward spiral. For whatever reason, through their own choices or fate, these skeletons were left behind, and I have seen some of these skeletons bring about much pain for survivors.

Each of us has a life to live however we choose. But take a good look at your home and your life and do a clean sweep to make sure there is nothing left behind that could be potentially harmful or hurtful.

When we find sensitive “skeletons,” depending on what they are, some just need to find their way to the garbage, and demand discretion. Some need never be talked about and taken to the grave. This issue is among the many gray areas we deal with in handling estates. One thing is clear: all of these that we mentioned here require kindness, compassion, and potentially, discretion. Remember, we can’t judge until we’ve walked a mile in their shoes; it’s how we handle them that makes or breaks the situation, or us.

From One Extreme to Another

July 23, 2012 | Julie Hall

What I love about my work is that no two days, or families, are alike. I recently worked with a child of an elderly parent who is “ready to get the ball moving and clear out the house now.” Not time to go through it much — just get it empty and ready to be sold. Why? Because he has a financial interest in the property and he openly admitted it.

On the flip side, I know of other children of the elderly who are painstakingly going through the estate to uncover (and even cherish) every piece of paper mom ever touched. I have seen people hug toasters claiming a special “memory” and even packing up her old coupons to keep, though they expired in 1971.

Somewhere there has to be a happy medium.

I have seen children claim they’re not taking much from mom and dad’s estate because their own houses are so full there is no more room and “my husband will kill me if I take any more stuff.” Then, when I go back into the estate to do my work, it has been so picked over, there is nothing left but donation items.

I have my own theories about why people have difficulty letting go, particularly the Depression era and older boomer children. But what they don’t realize is these items will one day become a monkey on the backs of their children. It’s time to give this serious thought.

The younger kids don’t want the majority of it; what their parents have done is pass the buck to another generation who doesn’t have the same appreciation for these items as their parents do. As a result, these items will find their way to the dump, Goodwill, yard sales, etc. And the child will be resentful that they have to take the time to deal with the stuff, because their parents never did. That is not the kind of legacy I choose to leave.

Best as I can figure out, they believe that by leaving more stuff, they are leaving a valuable inheritance in their eyes. No one can discount the value of sentiment, including me. But why are they taking a table saw when they’ve never used one? It will only take up a huge amount of space and become problematic in the future, sitting there with an inch or two of dust on it. By the time someone goes to sell it, it will be considered antiquated and obsolete. It’s only purpose at that point, will be as an anchor.

Keeping that in mind, I also find military medals thrown in the trash where they keep company with the family photos that have been tossed. If it doesn’t make sense to you, then you’re in excellent company. You just never know what you’re going to get. It’s all in the eye of the beholder.

Literal Gold Diggers

May 28, 2012 | Julie Hall

When I think of a gold digger, my mind conjures up two images: 1) an 1800’s scruffy old man panning for gold, and 2) The Housewives of Beverly Hills, Atlanta, or wherever. In the old days, a gold digger was someone who ransacked the graveyards stealing gold from the deceased. In my world of estates, I see a different kind of gold digger; one that you won’t know exists until a loved one dies or takes seriously ill.

We see estates literally ransacked, like a bunch of coyotes rummaged through the place. Boxes that once sat neatly in the attic and closets are ripped open and left in a jumbled mess, opened with contents spilling out. Closets are left with clothes not on hangers, but in a huge heap on the floor! Kitchen cupboards are askew and I guarantee the silver is long gone. It would appear they left no stone unturned. Were they looking for gold, silver, or cold, hard cash?

What is this incessant need for people to take stuff and help themselves?

I call them Mr. Pilfer and Miss Pickpocket. They come in, often under cover of the darkness, and things disappear, never to be found again. Is it greed, the entitlement mentality, or just a lack of care and consideration for the memory of the loved one?

I have come to the conclusion, after talking with dozens of executors, that one of the problems is there are too many keys floating around. One of the first things I recommend is changing the locks to protect the contents until they are inventoried and/or valuated. Another thorn in the executor’s paw is that sometimes they will tell the family and extended members that “Uncle Joe was known for his cash stashes, guns, gold coins, etc.”

This just happened in the estate I was working in. The executor, thinking he was being honest and open with everyone, told the family there was cash in the house. You know what happened next? Ransack city.

Sometimes, the executor won’t even know there are valuables or cash, but other family members suspect there is money in the estate. It is the executor’s responsibility to protect what is in the estate! No one should go in until all is established and ready to be divided according to the will (if there is one). Hopefully, the executor is honest!

Moral of the story: Loose talk makes valuables walk.

Vulnerable Parents Can Protect Themselves

February 13, 2012 | Julie Hall

If you read last week’s blog, this title sounds like a contradiction to that article. Read on, and you’ll understand how parents can protect themselves and prepare their belongings for distribution without exploitation.

In my work of helping seniors appraise the worth of their personal property, or liquidating it, I have seen examples of unsavory human behavior during the process. This comes from family, friends, neighbors, or strangers.

In dealing with a lifetime accumulation of stuff, seniors are often at a vulnerable place in their lives and daunted by the task. That’s when predators appear, driven by insensitive greed and persuasive powers. These unscrupulous mischief makers could be stopped in their tracks if only the senior had the knowledge of how much their personal property was worth.

They should also proactively create a master list of what they perceive to be treasures – either sentimental or financial. Parents should use professional appraisers to valuate their possessions now, adding the appraiser’s report to the master list, to protect from unscrupulous people, either inside the family or from outside.

When seniors have avoided making these choices by doing nothing for their estate planning and distribution, they are actually making a decision with dire consequences. I always recommend that seniors distribute their treasures personally now, or in writing for distribution at death. When the gift is personally made, however, they have the satisfaction of seeing the joy on the face of the recipient!

If a personal transaction is not done, then the next best thing is to write down who gets what on a master list. This master list should be kept safely with the will. Both documents will almost always minimize family disputes and exploitation.

Problems generate when the children or close relatives are burdened with dealing with the death of the senior, the pressure of dealing with the estate, and the overwhelming task of disposing of the personal property. Seniors who recognize their own responsibility in this matter and make the decisions themselves are practicing the best defense against family quarrels or exploitation in any guise!

Protect Your Vulnerable Parents

February 6, 2012 | Julie Hall

Your parents, especially those who live alone, are vulnerable to scams and schemes for three reasons. First, seniors tend to be trusting. They also may be lonely and sometimes distant from those who can protect them. Senior parents are also vulnerable because they worry about their financial security. Finally, scammers know that many seniors have money and valuable possessions.

Even though approximately 50 percent of elderly Americans are victims of financial exploitation, only 10 to 15 percent of the abuses are reported.

The following may indicate that your parents are being victimized:

* Sudden bank account changes, especially an unexplained withdrawal of large sums of money
* Unfamiliar long-distance telephone numbers, especially from overseas, on their monthly bill
* Significantly lower standard of living (change in eating and shopping habits; unable to afford things they once afforded)
* Selling higher-end items such as furniture, antiques, and so on
* Sudden disappearance of valuable possessions
* Increase in commercial or junk mail
* Sudden change in behavior; symptoms of depression or anxiety
* Increased worries over money

Your parents protected you when you were young with advice and example. Look both ways before crossing the street, never speak to strangers, and a host of other suggestions were meant to protect you. Sadly, our parents reach a point where they need us to protect them!

Here are six suggestions to protect your parents from scams and schemes:

1. Ask or discuss with your parents who has durable power of attorney.

2. Register your parents’ telephone numbers with the National Do Not Call registry (www.donotcall.gov).

3. Discuss with them the list of common frauds listed above. Ask them to contact you if they suspect anyone is trying to defraud them.

4. Ask your parents to contact you if anyone offers to buy any of their possessions.

5. Make sure a family member personally visits your parents on a weekly basis. If this is a challenge and you have other siblings, take turns.

6. Reduce junk mail for a small fee by going to either of these web sites: www.stopthejunkmail.com and http://mailstopper.tonic.com.

The National Center for Elder Abuse is an excellent resource for information on financial and other forms of abuse against senior citizens. It publishes reports and conducts research on this growing problem. NCEA’s mission is to promote understanding, knowledge sharing, and action on elder abuse, neglect, and exploitation. Its web site also offers links to other excellent resources and organizations also devoted to protecting senior citizens. Their web site is www.ncea.aoa.gov.

Honor your parents by standing between them and anyone who sees them as an easy target.

Finding the Good in the Bad

January 23, 2012 | Julie Hall

It’s never an easy thing, searching for the positive when “you know what” is hitting the fan. Lately, a lot of it is hitting the fan for everyone I know. If it isn’t one thing, we get slapped down by another. So the thought occurred to me, “Is this my karma, or someone else’s that’s been thrust on me for the sake of experience?” I’m a great person! Why is everything going wrong?

Maybe I am just along for the ride, and the purpose is for me to learn from these experiences and share them. But it sure feels like the world has gone mad … a captain who abandons his cruise ship and passengers, a scary time economically, political and government issues that never seem to get resolved … an uncertain future.

So, how can we find the good in the bad?

I think acceptance of some of the bad is part of it. Poop happens. It’s how we handle it that separates the good people from the not-so-good people. I also think having as good an outlook as possible is another big part of it. Every generation has seen historic events that are less than stellar, whether a world war, the great depression, disease, famine, etc.

Another thought is spreading your inner light to those who have it rougher than you, and there are plenty of people who have it rougher. If your light is bright, there is no better time than now to let it radiate to those around you.

As mom always said, “Julie, you need to take the negative and find a way to turn it around into a positive.”

Recently, I found myself in a situation where I really wanted to verbally blast someone who I felt was incompetent. I was so irate; I wanted to yell at them and give them a piece of my mind! But instead, something came out of my mouth that shocked even me. I simply looked at the person and said, “I don’t want to add to the problem or be a part of the problem. I want to be part of the solution.” When that left my mouth, I was suddenly empowered by my own words.

It must have been a higher power that planted those words in my mouth, because they saved me much aggravation and actually helped solve the problem. I recommend trying it sometime!

Sometimes Life’s an Oxymoron

January 2, 2012 | Julie Hall

A potential client sat in her parent’s affluent home asking my opinion as to how we should handle the dissolution of the property. In this case, I recommended a combination of auction and donation because it was not suitable for a good estate sale. Imagine my shock when she basically refused the very idea of donation. This was foreign to me. With so many out there in need, and her being financially blessed, I just couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t want the towels, linens, kitchen items, and clothing donated. I left the home not knowing what to make of it. This appeared to be a picture of an uncharitable heart … hold that thought.

On Christmas Eve, our family went to a candlelight service. Feeling a little blue because mom passed away and everything feeling weird without her, my father, family and I went to the service in hopes it would lift our Christmas spirit.

A small boy no older than 4 years old was wheeled in front of me. There, in a wheelchair that looked like something from outer space with every gadget and gismo attached, was this very tiny child with the most angelic face I had ever seen. He was beautiful with his blonde hair and blue eyes and looked like “Tiny Tim” from A Christmas Carol.

He was completely helpless and dependent on his parents. The child could not move any of his limbs and stared up at the ceiling. He never made a sound. Finally, his father unbelted him from his lifeline and picked him up. The boy was as limp as a ragdoll and showed no sign of life other than his eyes being open.

At first, dad held him on his lap and he repeatedly kissed the boy on the forehead. Then mom held him and she would rub his hair playfully, talk to him and kiss his cheeks. Their faces and eyes held the most amazing peace. I thought to myself, Now, that’s love. What an amazing example of love, compassion, and acceptance.

When you witness something as beautiful as that, and then meet other people who seem to have so much but are not willing to share any, it’s a little difficult to understand human nature.

I did not hear the minister’s message on Christmas Eve, because I was so engrossed in observing this family with their boy. When I realized I missed the bulk of the service, I just smiled to myself, knowing the message I had received was much more powerful — and a tender reminder that we have so much to be thankful for.

“Would Anyone Like Some Hot Chocolate?”

December 19, 2011 | Julie Hall

It was all I could think to say with a weary smile on my face. The tension was thick as I sat in the middle of a nasty fight between three heirs, all feeling threatened, all feeling they were just in their opinions, all throwing insults and trying to out-jab the other. After seeing a box of hot chocolate in the kitchen, I removed myself from the boxing ring and made hot chocolate for the four of us. I had never done anything like that before. Something moved me to do it.

As I served the hot chocolate without saying a word, the heirs stopped bickering, fell silent and just watched, wondering “What is that Estate Lady doing?” I calmly said, “Bet you didn’t think The Estate Lady was going to serve you hot chocolate today, did you? That’s not really part of my job description!”

The distraction worked as everyone chuckled and it disarmed the situation long enough for me to explain why everyone was so upset. Once I was able to mediate, it all went very smoothly, each having a clearer understanding of why the upset broke out in the first place, often caused by their own misperceptions.

As we each sipped the hot chocolate, it seemed to bring us back to frosty childhood days, bundled up so tight we couldn’t move. Maybe it was the flavor of the chocolate, maybe it was the smell or the warmth as it traveled into our bodies to take the chill off.

Sometimes, you just need to take a little break, sit back, and sip a little hot chocolate. It did wonders for us!

“Julie, Are You Sitting Down?”

October 24, 2011 | Julie Hall

Every now and again, a story so bizarre comes along, you just know you’ll never forget it.

I knew I was in trouble when the voice on the other end of the phone began with, “Julie, are you sitting down? We need to know if you are up for this one.” There was a large 1920’s home in a well-known and desirable area that was “full of junk.” Certainly in all these years of doing this line of work, I was accustomed to what people describe over the phone and have seen my share of junk in the world. Very little within a home could ever scare The Estate Lady. I was given the key to go over to the home to assess it myself, but was told to consider myself warned.

The key worked, but the door didn’t. Strong as I am physically, there was something barricading the front door … and the back door, and the side door. My assistant and I peeked in the windows and could clearly see the most unbelievable sight. Debris was everywhere and anywhere you looked. The beautiful trees had punched holes through the glass windows and vines grew in the interior of the house. The floor could not be seen and neither could the furniture. The bathrooms were inoperable, so I will go no further on that issue. In all my years, I had never seen one like this. This, I thought, would take a miracle. Not one to shy away from challenges, we decided we were up for it.

Once we gained entrance to the interior of the house through a window, it didn’t take us long to realize the resident had not opened his mail in years. Decades, actually, since 1964 to be exact. The paper and other debris was up to our knees on the first floor and up to our chest on the second floor. The attic too was full, as well as the basement. It is still among the most fascinating cases I had ever seen for hoarding.

The job itself took 9 days to complete, but several dumpsters later, we sifted through 3 massive commercial dumpsters full of mail that had not been opened since I was a baby. In that mail, we found considerable amounts of money the family never knew he had: overseas accounts, etc. Financial documents were found that were needed and other personal items were also discovered, long forgotten by family members that had given up on this hopeless situation.

Oddly enough, we also found 9 loaded guns under the debris which we were stepping on all week, several deceased animals, a multitude of unmentionables that I will have to take to my grave, and a duct-taped freezer down in the basement which was reminiscent of the basement in “Silence of the Lambs,” complete with a swinging single light bulb and dirt floor. And yes, our imaginations went wild. But the good news is that within 6 days of our completed work and an empty house, it sold for a healthy selling price. All’s well that ends well — despite the circumstances.

It made me come home and donate and throw out as much as I could get my hands on!

A Case of the Grumpies

September 19, 2011 | Julie Hall

We are bombarded by tens of thousands of media messages daily. We even have miniscule handheld gadgets and crazy fingers that fly faster than the typing secretaries we see in the old black and white movies. As if our desktops aren’t enough, we feel the need to remain “connected” to any new technological advance, and constantly have the media in our face. Sadly, we are exposed to all the negative energy the world has to offer. No wonder we are so tired.

As a result of this exposure, the state of the economy, the politicians’ barrage of empty promises, financial strife, etc., we all seem a little angrier and much grumpier than we used to be.

It’s no different for those settling an estate. Everyone feels a particular piece was sentimental only to them, or “Mom always wanted me to have that.” Heirs go into the division of assets with the image they will always get what they want and this simply is not the case. Arguments of what has value, differences of opinion, who-gets-what, things disappearing in the night … all of this happens because our loved ones failed to plan ahead.

Obstacles abound every way we turn. Frustrating? Yes. A reason to go out into the world and make everyone miserable? NO!

Mom always said we can make a choice how we behave out in the world and inside ourselves. The next time you see someone walking around with the weight of the world on their back, make a choice and give them a great big smile. It’s amazing how something so simple can have such great impact on them … and on you!