grief

When Your Box Gets Too Heavy, Drop It!

| Julie Hall

My teenage daughter has recently become my teacher, and I her student.  Life has been challenging for many this past year and our family is no exception.  Many of my clients have suffered illness, loss of a loved one, and financial trouble in the last year.  With the new year here, we have a clean slate and a chance to un-do, re-do or make better than last year. 

Lately, life has been a little weird.  So much uncertainty.  Turning on the TV means risking depression and anxiety just by watching 5 minutes of the news.  When will it ever be like it “used to be?”

Not long ago, I had an emotional moment thinking of my father who has Alzheimer’s.  It all seemed to come crashing down on me.  My daughter came home from school and caught me during a mini-meltdown.  I have always believed it’s okay to let children see their parents cry.  We are not infallible, but we try to always be strong for them.  Then one day, the tables turn and they are strong for us.

Suddenly, she looked at me with the eyes and demeanor of a grown woman.  “Mom, there is no need for you to get yourself so upset.  What will be, will be, and you can’t control that.  Your box has gotten too heavy, so drop it.”

“What box?” I thought.  She went on to further explain that the box represents our lives and all the junk inside weighing the box down is the parts of it we need to let go of.  “Just drop the box, Mom.  You need to be more like me.  Let it go until you need it.  Don’t carry it around with you.  Sometimes it just gets too heavy and you can’t carry it anymore.”

And the thought occurred to me to count the blessings, not the tears.  When the box gets too heavy, I am learning to drop it and deal with something more positive.  Many boxes out there are getting heavier by the day.  Maybe you can learn from my daughter too!

© 2011 Julie Hall

Grief Needs a Shoulder to Lean On

| Julie Hall

Let me offer some compassionate support for those who are going through grief over the loss of a parent.  Having to handle all the details of a funeral and the liquidation of your parents’ estate ranks high on the lists of stressors that can wreak havoc emotionally.

You and your siblings really need a lot of shoulders to lean on during this time.  This is the time to make withdrawals from your emotional bank accounts of close friends.  If you are active in a church or synagogue, let your pastor or rabbi know what you’re going through, and be open to any acts of kindness from your congregation.

Grief can bring with it the symptoms of clinical depression, yet you’ll feel as if you have to be the strong one for the sake of your family.  It’s not a sign of weakness to meet with a counselor and unload what’s happening during this stressful time. 

With nearly every client, I’ve found myself holding the hand of an angry, heartbroken, grieving son or daughter.  Many are in a very vulnerable state, feeling angry and lashing out because of all the decisions that their parents did not take care of while they were alive.  Then their anger turns to guilt because their parents are no longer here, and they feel guilty because they feel angry.

You really do have to be strong and think straight as you go through your parents’ home for the last time, so take advantage of resources — personal and professional — that can help you cope with the sadness and stress.

Keep in mind: you don’t have to go through this alone.  There is reliable and trustworthy help that can make this painful experience go smoothly.

© 2010 Julie Hall