The Estate Lady

We are Stronger Than We Think

| Julie Hall

We just completed 3 estate clean-outs in a total of 36 hours.  For someone who is not familiar with the estate industry, this is pretty close to achieving the impossible, not to mention physically back-breaking and mentally grueling.  There were many moments during those 36 hours that negative thoughts crept into my mind when I was so tired, so frustrated, so in pain, still emotional from my recent loss of my mom and tending to dad, that I thought about quitting.  The Estate Lady® doesn’t quit anything; so for me to admit that is a huge deal.  My favorite mantra is “Failure is not an option,” which I borrowed from an old movie.

Coming home from each hard day’s work, I could feel the physical stiffness and arthritic pain take over.  Then the tears would come.  Then I just wanted to be left alone.  My thoughts swung from feeling great accomplishment to feeling so tired that I couldn’t think straight.

It was at those exhausted and weak moments I thought, “This is it — I can’t do this anymore.”  But I knew deep down that my love and passion for estate work and helping my clients go through the strain of the process was stronger than that.  How would I ever find the strength to keep going?

Just when I thought I couldn’t get up and go anymore, something good would happen and my strength, spirit, and faith were renewed.

I’ve talked with others recently who feel rather low these days.  I’d like to pass along a voice mail message a woman left me, who knew I was going through a lot lately.

“You are the type of person where blessings in life will always find you.  You are also the type of person who will find blessings in life for you and your family.”

I loved hearing this.  It meant someone out there thought enough of me as a person to know I do look for the simple, yet powerful blessings that come our way each day.  You have to open your eyes and heart to them, and then they appear.

So just when you think you can’t, you will find the strength and see that you can.  Remember, failure is not an option!

© 2012 Julie Hall

Sensible Shoes

| Julie Hall

I’ve always been a people watcher.  My attention was drawn to a young lady wearing the most obscene pair of shoes.  The heels were sky-high and the toes were so pointy, I could feel the gout pain flaring up in my own big toe and bunion.  I watched her walk with much difficulty, holding a stack of books in her arms.  But when she started up a set of stairs, those long pointy toes got in the way and she fell down, landing on her throat on the corner of an upper step with all her weight.  I ran over to see if she needed help, knowing her thyroid (among other things) would never be the same.

I couldn’t help but wonder why we make the decisions we do, and why we sometimes make life so much harder on ourselves than it has to be.  At the very least, why torment your feet — that glorious pair of bony attachments at the end of our legs that quite literally carry us through life?  Seems a shame to punish them when they are so loyal to us.

I see it every day in my estates.  We all carry too much.  We all have too much.  In fact, we have so much, we have trouble walking through our own lives carrying all our stuff.  We aren’t making sensible decisions because we are too preoccupied with how we look and how much we own.  What we all need is a good dose of sensibility.

There was a time when I wore stilettos (a very long time ago when I didn’t think about the damage it would do to me now at nearly 50).  Today I prefer the simplicity of going barefoot in my own home.  And for those times when going barefoot are not optional, I opt for good, sensible shoes.  While I have been the butt of jokes from my teenage daughter regarding shoe selection, I have reached a point in my mature life where comfort outweighs how I look.

As for me and my feet, we choose sensibility.  It’s my way of thanking them for carrying me through this obstacle-ridden journey of ours, and they in turn reward me with happy feet.

One less pain to deal with in life.

© 2012 Julie Hall

We Found This Unforgettable Letter in an Estate

| Julie Hall

“Please Take Care of This for Me” – borrowed from Robert N. Test, author

“The day will come when my body will lie determined by doctors to be without life.  When that happens, do not attempt to instill artificial life into my body by the use of a machine.  And don’t call it my deathbed.  Call it my Bed of Life, and let my body be taken from it to help others lead fuller lives.

Give my sight to the man who has never seen a sunrise, a baby’s face, or the love in the eyes of a significant other.  Give my heart to the person whose own heart has caused nothing but endless days of pain.  Give my blood to a teenager who was pulled from the wreckage of a car, so he might live to see his grandchildren play.  Give my kidneys to one who depends on a machine to exist.  Take my bones, every nerve and muscle to find a way to make a crippled child walk.

Explore every corner of my brain.  Take my cells if necessary, and make them grow so one day a speechless boy will shout at the crack of a bat and a deaf girl will hear the sound of rain against her window.

Burn what is left and scatter my ashes to the winds to help the flowers grow.

If you must bury something, let it be my faults, my weaknesses, and all prejudice against my fellow man.

Give my sins to the devil; give my soul to God.

If, by chance, you wish to remember me, do it with a kind deed or word to someone who needs it.  If you do all that I have asked, I will live forever.”

© 2012 Julie Hall

How A Senior Party Changed Me Forever

| Julie Hall

I’d like to share a special memory from two years ago as we prepare for the new year ahead.

It was a spur-of-the-moment invitation from my 78 yr. old mother.   While visiting my parents out-of-state, Mom announced she bought me a ticket to their senior holiday dinner and dance party at the local clubhouse.  Knowing it would make them happy, I obliged, but wasn’t exactly ready to kick up my heels just yet.  How much fun could it really be?

The clubhouse was nothing fancy — it was reminiscent of a church basement or school gym, devoid of color though there were a few decorations on the wall.   In front of the small bingo stage was the collapsible black sound system from the hired DJ, complete with a disco ball spinning crystal-like dots on the walls and a lighted 3 ft. Santa next to his unit.   The floor was exceptionally shiny, as if someone had spent hours buffing and polishing it to perfection, meant just for dancing.

With roughly 40 seniors present, dinner was served.  We all waited in line, cafeteria style, to be served our food – a very simple meal of roast beef, green beans and a roll with coffee or water.   Dessert would be homemade cakes from some of the neighborhood ladies.   Styrofoam plates in hand, we waited patiently as everyone got the same amount of food.

During our meal, the DJ came alive and it was obvious he loved his job.  The beat from Glen Miller’s  “In the Mood” was evident in my tapping feet, shoulder motions and bobbing head – was that me actually having fun?  Dare I say the fun was just beginning…

Mesmerized by the fantastic selection of 40’s and 50’s music and jazz beats that made you want to get up and bounce all over the dance floor, the seniors suddenly came alive, as if their simple meal had fueled their fire.  Some with canes, others with oxygen, still others like my mother afflicted with heart disease – it didn’t matter to them – they got up and started dancing like they were young again!!

Before my very eyes, the music became their magic. Transported back to the 1940’s, the hands of time literally spun backwards to return them to their prime in life.  No longer weak or frail, they would have easily danced their boomer children into a state of exhaustion.   This was their night and they proudly took ownership of it.

Over the course of the evening, I found myself looking closely at the old men’s weathered faces.  They didn’t look old to me anymore.   It was like watching an episode of Star Trek when they were brought back in time wearing their U.S. military uniforms and the ladies’ vibrant and shiny hair had curls and they had small waists, just like in the old movies.

But the most moving part of the evening was how they looked at each other.  Couples who had been married for 50-60 years still gazed upon each other with love and affection – I even caught a glimpse of an elderly man stroking his wife’s face while they danced. I had to fight the tears back because mom told me that lady was fighting an illness.  This, I thought, was true commitment.

They had survived the Great Depression and one of the world’s most devastating wars, and raising us!  These were people who simply did what needed to be done.  They are fiercely loyal, still loved America, and always had a strong work ethic.

For one night, for a few hours, they didn’t care about their diseases, ailments, aches and pains.  They only wanted to let their hair down and have a memorable time.  There I sat, a 48-year-old daughter, who found herself in love with each of them – for the way they laughed, for the way they did the “Twist,” for the way they treated each other with smiles galore and twirling about as if today were their last day on earth.

The thought crossed my mind, as it probably did theirs, that our time is indeed limited, for some more than others.  How is it they could dance and enjoy fellowship with such carefree smiles and attitude?  Because they love life and offered each other the best gift anyone could possible receive.  They gave the gift of simple joy.  The gave the gift of each other.

I found myself deeply moved by what I saw that evening.   Ours has become a world of convenience, and often inconvenience.  A place where people are always saying “What’s in it for me?” and a place where we don’t see as much care and concern for each other, as there was in our parents’ generation.

I felt like Ebenezer Scrooge visiting a strange place and time, who saw the light and got the meaning in just the few hours they allowed me to share with them. I feel so very honored to have witnessed such a gift.  Our seniors truly are our greatest asset, and we have much to learn from them.  All we need to do is open our eyes, ears and hearts.

© 2011 Julie Hall

Permission to Let Go

| Julie Hall

The last two weeks were spent cleaning out Mom and Dad’s home.  Mom passed in October and Dad is moving closer to me here in Charlotte this week.  For 20 years, I have served others in doing this very task.  What a bittersweet experience and very cleansing for me.  Plenty of tears but even more smiles, which is the way Mom would have wanted it.  So many memories came flooding in!

In cleaning out Mom’s closets, I was reminded of a conversation she and I had a few months ago.  Wearing her robe, she escorted me to her closet one morning and pointed out 4 large Xerox boxes full of family photos from long ago.  There, stacked neatly on the top shelf, these boxes took up quite a bit of space she couldn’t even reach.

Mom sighed and said, “Julie, when I die, I want you to take these boxes and throw them out or do whatever you want with them.  They are photos of people you do not know; I don’t even know them all.  So I am relieving you of the guilt my mother put on me. Get rid of them.”  It was an Ah-Ha moment.

Standing before the closet without Mom by my side and feeling the pain of that solitude, that memory came shining through.  I suddenly felt much lighter emotionally and physically, knowing I had her permission to do what I felt necessary. 

Letting go.  What a beautiful gift to give our children.  We can’t hold onto everything, and releasing our loved ones from the guilt that binds us, offers peace we wouldn’t have otherwise.  Thank you, Mom!

© 2011 Julie Hall

What I’ve Learned as an Expert in “Things” (part 2)

| Julie Hall

I probably don’t have to tell you this, since Wal-Mart and almost every other store are playing holiday music already:  The holidays are coming soon!!

As I write this blog on what I’ve learned as an expert on “things,” I realize that these last two thoughts, promised to you last week, will revolutionize how you view this year’s holidays.  They’ll probably also save you money and frustration when holiday shopping time comes.  Please consider the following observations from this expert in “things:”

3.  It’s what you do with what you have that really counts, not what you possess.  In these tough economic times, it’s important to remember there are others dealing with greater difficulties than you.  Even while we tighten our purse strings, we can still give in many ways that others would be so grateful for.

  • Give of yourself.
  • Go visit someone you have been meaning to see for a long time.
  • Write that letter.
  • Bake those cookies.
  • Volunteer for those needing help.
  • Visit those confined to home by infirmity or sickness.
  • Surprise a loved one.
  • Make that phone call to make amends with one you haven’t spoken to for years.
  • Bring your children to an assisted living or nursing home; watch the residents light up.
  • Say what you need to say, and do so right now.
  • Ask for forgiveness and offer it, no matter what.
  • Offer hugs to those who really need it.
  • Listen to your elders because you will learn so much.

4.  If you have a senior in your life … Spend a full day with them and ask them to share stories of your family history — fun stories, challenges, family secrets, marriages.  Look through old photos.  Record this day and make a book for them (and copies for each sibling) so it may be passed down for years to come.  Many children regret not having more family history, but they realize this only after a loved one has left us.

© 2011 Julie Hall

What I’ve Learned as an Expert in “Things”

| Julie Hall

As an expert in personal property, my days are filled with visiting estates, consulting with my clients, and ascertaining what has value versus what does not.  I help boomer children make sound decisions after mom and dad have passed on, and work closely with seniors, helping them make a plan for their heirlooms and understanding their worth. 

My world revolves around many beautiful things, what they may be worth, and then sadly watch people fight over them after a loved one dies.  Having met thousands of individuals in my career, I can safely say I have learned from each and every one of them.  Here’s what I have learned:

1.  We exit this world the way we enter it — owning nothing but a beautiful spirit that houses love and memories earned over a lifetime.  You can’t take anything with you, so why fight over “things?”

2.  “Things do bring instant gratification, but not long-lasting happiness.  So we keep buying more things to keep feeling good.  Too many of us fill our lives with “things” to ease unresolved pain and issues.  As we continue to go into debt and buy ourselves the latest electronic gadget, we are still left unfulfilled and discontented.  We buy to feel good, we buy because we deserve it, we buy because we are depressed.  But in the long run, it ends up in the hands of family, or a professional such as myself, to sell it.

Next week, I’ll share two more valuable lessons I’ve learned as an expert in “things.”  I hope these lessons today, and the two next week, will alter your plans to gain more and give more “things” during the upcoming holiday season.   Please come back for the other two positive lessons!

© 2011 Julie Hall

“Julie, Are You Sitting Down?”

| Julie Hall

Every now and again, a story so bizarre comes along, you just know you’ll never forget it.

I knew I was in trouble when the voice on the other end of the phone began with, “Julie, are you sitting down? We need to know if you are up for this one.” There was a large 1920’s home in a well-known and desirable area that was “full of junk.”  Certainly in all these years of doing this line of work, I was accustomed to what people describe over the phone and have seen my share of junk in the world.  Very little within a home could ever scare The Estate Lady.  I was given the key to go over to the home to assess it myself, but was told to consider myself warned.

The key worked, but the door didn’t.  Strong as I am physically, there was something barricading the front door … and the back door, and the side door.  My assistant and I peeked in the windows and could clearly see the most unbelievable sight.  Debris was everywhere and anywhere you looked.  The beautiful trees had punched holes through the glass windows and vines grew in the interior of the house.  The floor could not be seen and neither could the furniture.  The bathrooms were inoperable, so I will go no further on that issue.  In all my years, I had never seen one like this.  This, I thought, would take a miracle.  Not one to shy away from challenges, we decided we were up for it.

Once we gained entrance to the interior of the house through a window, it didn’t take us long to realize the resident had not opened his mail in years.  Decades, actually, since 1964 to be exact.  The paper and other debris was up to our knees on the first floor and up to our chest on the second floor.  The attic too was full, as well as the basement.  It is still among the most fascinating cases I had ever seen for hoarding.

The job itself took 9 days to complete, but several dumpsters later, we sifted through 3 massive commercial dumpsters full of mail that had not been opened since I was a baby.  In that mail, we found considerable amounts of money the family never knew he had: overseas accounts, etc.  Financial documents were found that were needed and other personal items were also discovered, long forgotten by family members that had given up on this hopeless situation.

Oddly enough, we also found 9 loaded guns under the debris which we were stepping on all week, several deceased animals, a multitude of unmentionables that I will have to take to my grave, and a duct-taped freezer down in the basement which was reminiscent of the basement in “Silence of the Lambs,” complete with a swinging single light bulb and dirt floor.  And yes, our imaginations went wild.  But the good news is that within 6 days of our completed work and an empty house, it sold for a healthy selling price.  All’s well that ends well — despite the circumstances. 

It made me come home and donate and throw out as much as I could get my hands on!

© 2011 Julie Hall

The Secret Keeper

| Julie Hall

My father used to play a game with me as a small child.  When he wanted to know what mom had bought for his birthday or Christmas, he would say, “Julie will tell me what mom bought.  I can always get it out of Julie!”  I had been sworn to secrecy by my brother because I was the little tattletale in the family.  But no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t keep that secret.  Little did I know that as an adult, life would ask me to not only keep them, but to take them to my grave so no one would get hurt.  This story, I can share…

Steven was only 43 years old.  He was top executive, divorced with children, and lived as a bachelor in a very nice home with lovely furnishings.  Steven had a good life and all that he could want or need: a stable line of work, choice real estate, comfortable lifestyle, children, etc.  But something went very wrong along the way.

One night, for no known reason to his family or friends, Steven ended his life.  There was no note found or any indication for the reasoning behind his actions.  We were brought in to sell and clear out the home completely.

During the clearing out phase, I personally found a stack of letters that were found in a closet.  They were in no particular order and wide open.  Many of them were notes and cards obviously exchanged between sweethearts.  Unsure whether to dispose of these or not because the significant other might want them, I opened up the top card only to reveal words that might have offered a reason why he ended his life.  I felt an overwhelming responsibility to do the right thing, but what was the right thing in this case?

There were two choices: I could dispose of the items and keep this secret locked away in my head forever, or I could call the family and somehow search for the right words to explain my findings in a very delicate manner.  Having no previous experience with this particular scenario of suicide, I sat in silence contemplating the situation that had been laid upon my lap.  I had in my hands potential evidence as to why this distraught man ended his life, and my heart grew heavy with the emotions he must have been experiencing.  When my hands held his handwritten note, I could feel he was completely shattered.

After what seemed like an eternity of contemplation, I knew exactly what I had to do.  The family had the right, no matter how painful, to know something as serious as this; I had to give them the opportunity to make the choice themselves.  Calling the closest relative from my cell phone, I wanted to sound calm and reassuring.

When the relative picked up the phone, I greeted the relative and explained that I was still in the home working.  “I’ve found a letter I think you may want to see, but I need your permission to send it to you.  I believe it could offer you an answer as to the reason Steven is no longer with us.  Would you like me to FedEx it out to you?”  Much to my surprise, the family rejected my offer to send it to them and did not want to know the reasons behind his actions.  Some things are just too painful.  His words are forever etched in my mind to be buried with me later in life, unknown to anyone who loved him.

© 2011 Julie Hall

Quoted on MSN Money by Liz Weston

| Julie Hall

MSN Money’s personal finance expert, Liz Weston, wrote about “How to Avoid Fights Over Mom’s Stuff.”  http://money.msn.com/family-money/how-to-avoid-fights-over-moms-stuff-weston.aspx

Thanks, Liz, for asking me to contribute to a topic that is at the heart of what I do.  This is why I wrote the book, “The Boomer Burden – Dealing With Your Parents’ Lifetime Accumulation of Stuff” and “How to Divide Your Family’s Estate and Heirlooms Peacefully and Sensibly”. 

I want to educate people to avoid the harsh and painful reality of fighting and hurt that comes when families have to divide a parent’s possessions.  Thank you, Liz, for bringing attention to this topic with such clarity and insight. 

Welcome to those new visitors who are linking to my blog from Liz’s article.  There are over 100 weekly posts here full of valuable insights about all areas of personal property.  Check out the categories on the right, and sign up to receive my weekly blog.  While you are there, you can click directly to Amazon.com and order my books in either print or ebook versions.