Make a Plan for the Ashes

August 15, 2011 | Julie Hall

Several years ago, I was preparing for an estate sale and found cremated remains in the bottom of a china hutch. They were handed to the son, who promptly tossed them under the kitchen sink right in front of me. Yes, you read that correctly. The ashes were tossed in with the Comet, Cascade, rags, and Brillo pads. I was aghast! How could anyone do such a thing?

I called the attorney’s office to report this horrible act and offered something above and beyond my call of duty. I offered to appropriately scatter the ashes in a beautiful place and say a prayer for this deceased person.

Today, years after the fact, I received a call asking me to handle the remains because no one else will. It is a strange thought: here I am, a perfect stranger to the decedent, yet I care more about him than his own family. I know there are laws concerning this and I will do my due diligence to appropriately handle this out-of-the-ordinary mission that has landed in my lap. Surely a family member would care enough to tend to this need? Sadly, not one of them does care.

This should be a reminder to us all that when a loved one is cremated (including our beloved pets), plans must be made in advance for their final resting place. What if the one who has the ashes in their possession dies and no one in the family knows what to do with them? This is especially important in blended families. It’s not something we think about often, but a plan will ensure that the proper procedure will be followed when the time comes.

Oh Brother, Sister! What Have You Done?

July 5, 2011 | Julie Hall

My experiences with client cases never cease to amaze me. This one amazed even me!

An elderly client passes away with much of her family estranged from her. Interestingly enough, every time we went into the estate to conduct work, more and more was missing – mostly the “good stuff.” (This is why you change the keys/locks after a loved one dies.) So we reported it to the estate administrator and the keys were changed promptly. That is fairly typical in most estates, and you might even have your own stories about family helping themselves. What happened next is unthinkable!

As with all deaths, the executor or attorney needs to close all accounts, settle debt, etc. Imagine the surprise when the credit card bills came rolling in AFTER the date the woman died! Come to find out it was a family member who did it and is being (and should be) held financially responsible.

As we were cleaning out the estate, we discovered something that at first made no sense. Where was her purse? It was nowhere in sight. Someone swiped her purse! Probably the same one who took her credit card.

It’s hard to believe people like this exist out there. How could someone stoop so low as to steal from a deceased sister? This is another reason to plan your estate and distribute it prior to passing away, if you can. No one should be taken advantage of, especially when someone is no longer here to protect themselves.

How to Behave As an Heir

June 20, 2011 | Julie Hall

Recently, I did a podcast for Moving Forward Matters in Ottawa, Canada. Here’s the link to my 10 minute discussion on Estate Etiquette.

http://www.movingforwardmatters.com/2011/06/08/estate-etiquette-know-what-to-do/

Here are several suggestions for how to behave as an heir in the estate of your parent or close loved one.

Sit down and say what’s on your mind. Beating around the bush confuses everyone. Confrontation is not necessarily a bad thing. My father always said that the day after a thunderstorm is usually clean, bright, and beautiful. It clears the air and so does a confrontation that is more about sharing than finger pointing.
It’s vital to do everything you can to keep the peace. To avoid heartache and resentment, do your best to take the “high road.” It feels good to do so, though it’s not always easy.
Validate the other person’s feelings if they share them with you. At least, listen. Repeat what they said to you so they feel you heard them. Both should agree to simply do the best you can to smooth it over somehow. A photo of Mom and Dad sitting in front of you wouldn’t hurt. After all, this is about honoring them and not about the heirs.
Encourage others to be a part of the healing process, if they would like to be. It is not about taking sides. It is about encouraging both parties to do what they can to heal the hurt. Always remain objective and try very hard to see the other side.

Dividing heirlooms can be one of the most contentious experiences of our adult lives. There is no way to completely eliminate family squabbles. But, you can learn to put them out when they are smoldering, instead of when they grow into a full-blown forest fire.

A Slice of Birthday Cake with Roses on Top

May 9, 2011 | Julie Hall

Remember when we were little kids and our eyes were bigger than our stomachs, when we saw the thick, sugary icing and special colored roses on our birthday cake? Everyone fought over those colorful, sugary roses that contained enough fuel to shoot us to the moon and back, or at least until midnight when the sugar buzz finally wore off. We were probably 5 or 6 years old, but already we had learned a lesson that would follow us throughout our lives.

The voice in our heads beckoned us to eat as much as possible including all of those coveted roses — after all, it’s my cake, my birthday. Why shouldn’t I have it all to myself? Mother’s quiet, yet serious tone forced me to share, and share equally among the other children at the party. “You have to be fair to everyone,” she would say. It isn’t fair, I thought to myself. That’s my cake! I should have all of the slices of cake with the roses on them. (The roses were, and still are, my favorite.)

So it is with much of life. We all want the “roses” in life and that includes our loved one’s estates. You’ve had your eye on that grandfather clock, or mom’s diamond ring, or dad’s fishing lure collection for years. And you believe you are entitled to them, or perhaps they were promised to you long ago, so you just assume they will be yours one day. Then that “one day” comes, and your sibling claims the same thing … the trouble begins.

Until they are gifted to you in person prior to infirmity or death, or until there is a written plan for those heirlooms upon a loved one’s passing, you are entitled to nothing unless it is given to you. Even if you don’t end up with your beloved “rose,” we must remember that while we would like to have the majority of the cake, it is good and appropriate to share equally.

You taught me well, Mom!

How to Prevent Conflict Between Adult Children

March 28, 2011 | Julie Hall

A colleague in Canada invited me to create several podcasts for her website at Moving Forward Matters, Ottawa Home Transition Specialists.

The first one is titled, “How to Prevent Conflict Between Adult Children Before A Loved One Dies.” Here’s the link to the podcast: http://www.movingforwardmatters.com/2011/03/22/estate-planning-how-to-prevent-conflict-between-adult-children-before-a-loved-one-dies/

My greatest goal is to educate people and prepare them for the inevitable challenges of family members dealing with personal property accumulated over a lifetime. There are ways for parents (not just elderly parents) to prepare their children to deal with these possessions equitably, thereby avoiding years of hard feelings, sibling battles, court fights, and other ugly situations.

I hope you’ll listen to this podcast and then pass along a link to another family member or friend who may benefit from this advice. Remember, it’s not too early to simplify your possessions and create equitable plans for your children and grandchildren to follow.

The Bottom Line on Greed

March 14, 2011 | Julie Hall

There’s a reason why greed is one of the Seven Deadly Sins. It eats people alive whether they realize it or not. The battle between good and evil has been around since the dawn of man. The Bible is filled with verses about such things.

It’s all about the desire to “possess.” Possess money, things, people, etc. It is natural for humans to want more. But, when is enough, enough? For some people, there can never be enough.

We see greed at every turn when settling estates. It is far more common than you realize. Our smaller homes aren’t good enough so we tear them down and build bigger ones, so we can fill them with more stuff. When a loved one dies, we are the first to take things from the estate, justifying that these things are a memento or sentimental.

Then we look at our own homes, and if our eyes are open, we realize we have too much, while there are those out there who have nothing.

Bottom line is: you can’t take it with you!

Start now by giving away things you don’t need, don’t want, or haven’t used in a while. So many people need your help and generosity, especially in economic times like these. Your gift can bring a smile to someone you may never see, but you will feel in your heart.

The Accidental Expert

February 21, 2011 | Julie Hall

Never in a million years would I have thought I would turn out to be “The Estate Lady.” I would have been perfectly content with a career dealing with animals, being a marine biologist, or something more carefree than dealing with heirs and heirlooms each and every day. I used to think it was all by accident that I ended up where I am, writing books, speaking publicly, teaching at universities, etc.

Back in my twenties, and still working full-time for a large corporation, I met with Wilma, a lovely 103 year old woman, who needed assistance handling her soon-to-be-estate. I was just breaking into the estate business handling personal property, but I soon discovered I had a special gift of listening to people, uncovering their needs, then finding a way to fulfill those needs. It didn’t take me long to see the vision of what was coming and figure out that seniors – not to mention their children – needed me and my services.

Much to my horror, Wilma’s neighbors, upon hearing she was dying and had no heirs, decided to trample through her home in my absence and help themselves to her gorgeous possessions that had significant worth. Long story, short: Wilma knew she had been taken advantage of by these unscrupulous people who only had greed in their hearts, and truly lacked love and compassion for this elderly woman facing a difficult transition.

The saddest part is this happens each day, every day, in each city, in each state, to thousands of people every 24 hours.

Wilma was the client who unknowingly gave me my company name, The Estate Lady, decades ago. Was it really an accident I was there to witness such an account of low human behavior? Or was I there because it was my destiny to learn from the situation and educate and advocate for those who need it during the daunting times of dissolving the family home?

The more I think about it, the more clearly I see that it was no accident!

She was Having a Bad Heir Day

January 31, 2011 | Julie Hall

Joann and her brother were co-executors of their mother’s estate. One day, she decided she didn’t like how her brother was acting regarding the division of mom’s property. So she did what many heirs have done … however unthinkable it was … she asserted control over the issue in a not-so-nice manner.

I think you will agree she went about it all wrong! After I completed a consultation with her, she immediately called a locksmith and had all the locks changed so no one could get in the house but her. “My brother is not going to get the things he wants. He has ticked me off one time too many. I’ll show him … I’m going to get them before he does,” were her exact words. I hope my jaw didn’t drop too much.

Just when you think you’ve heard it all, she proceeds to move all the heirlooms out of mom’s house without notifying her brother of anything, and has them delivered to her storage unit.

This is the perfect example of how NOT to handle an estate unless you want to drain your finances for legal fees. Despite my repeated attempts to talk with her and offer her some sound advice, it fell on deaf ears. To me, it is complete disrespect for the loved one who has died, but this happens more frequently than even I care to admit. Scary, but very true.

Sneak Peek: Two heirs want the same heirloom

January 17, 2011 | Julie Hall

Here’s the sneak peek from my new book, How to Divide Your Family’s Estate and Heirlooms Peacefully and Sensibly, available at the right side bar of this blog.

Problem: Two of my siblings are fighting over the same heirloom. How do you split that?

Solution: When two or more are arguing over the same item(s), you have a few options, but ultimately it is up to the level of stubbornness of the people involved.

One heir simply turns the other cheek and forfeits to the other. Rememeber that all of the values need to be kept equitable. If Sue gets a $5,000 item and Barbara gets a $200 item, that is not equitable and other arrangements must be made, whether in cash assets or other items, to make up for the $4,800 deficit.
One sibling can offer to buy the item from the others and take it out of their inheritance.
They can write up an agreement and share the item, if it is small enough to share. Then again, this decision only postpones that inevitable decision for later in life. When the siblings die, now their children have to contend with the same issue.
If no one can agree and the arguing continues in a “no one is going to give in” pattern, I recommend the executor sell the item through an appropriate auction and split the proceeds by the number of siblings. Yes, the siblings will be upset, but that is more acceptable than resenting each other the remainder of their lives.
What would mom or dad want? Would they permit this kind of treatment towards one another? In most cases, the answer is no. They would be disappointed, having trusted you to make decisions that they probably should have made while they were alive, but for whatever reason, they didn’t. You can’t go back; you can only go forward. So go forward, knowing what your parents would have wanted and go forth doing what they would have wanted.

Announcing my newest book!

January 10, 2011 | Julie Hall

How to Divide Your Family’s Estate and Heirlooms Peacefully & Sensibly is the only book that walks you through the relational minefield that happens when children/heirs have to divide the personal belongings of their parents.

This is a must-have resource packed with practical expertise and a fair, equitable process for dividing personal property within a family estate. From how to minimize fighting and manage the emotional roller coaster that comes with a loved one’s loss, to understanding legal responsibilities and suggestions for executors, this guide offers solutions based on decades of experience in working with families and estates coast to coast.

This guide is a must-read for every family challenged with dividing an estate and not wanting the family to divide in the process. This guide includes practical problems and solutions, such as:

When more than one heir wants the same thing
What to do when the heirs are a long distance from the estate
When some of the personal property is missing and not available to divide equally
When extended family gets in the way
When you find a treasure and no one else knows you found it
When neighbors or friends expect to get something from the estate

Those of you who have read my first and second books, or read this blog for very long, know that I want to educate you. That’s my goal! There is a lack of information out there that frankly handles the problems and challenges of dividing the estate contents equitably and without fighting. I want to create helpful and very practical guides that cut through to the essentials, and give you all the tools to educate yourself and then do the task effectively.

My new book is available now on Amazon.com. Here’s the link and it’s also available on the right side bar of my blog: http://www.amazon.com/Divide-Familys-Heirlooms-Peacefully-Sensibly/dp/0984419128/ Watch my blog for a sneak peek of the book next week!